A duck walks into a bar and orders a shot of vodka and drinks it.  He orders another and drinks it.   He orders another and drinks it.   He orders another and drinks it.   He orders another and drinks it.   He orders another and drinks it.   A lady sitting nearby says to the duck. "You know drinking like that isn't good for you, You could get liver disease or kidney disease or heart failure."   And the duck says "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."   And the lady said "Did he drink a lot?"   And the duck said "No, but he knew how to mind his own freakin' business."

A duck is sitting at a bar and notices two potatoes standing on the corner. He asks the guy at the bar next to him if those are prostitutes. The guy says, "Only the one marked 'Idaho'."

A duck is sitting at the bar when a three-legged dog walks in. The dog slides up to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Three ducks are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking chick comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."  So the first duck says, "I love liver and cheese." The chick replies, "That's not good enough."   The second duck says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."   Finally, the third one says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

A man walks into a bar with three little ducks and sits each of them on a stool, he looks up at the bartender and says, "Could you mind my ducks while  I go use the phone?" The bartender is puzzled, but he doesn't see a problem  and agrees to look after the three little ducks.  When the owner of the ducks leaves, the bartender says to the first duck  "What's your name?" The duck says, ''My name is Huey.'' And the bartender,  an affable fellow, especially around ducks, says, "Hello Huey, how has your day been?" "My day's been great," answers the duck, "I've been slipping in  and out of puddles all day."  Satisfied, the bartender moves to the next duck and asks the same questions.  The second duck replies, "My name is Dewey and I've had a great day; I've  been slipping in and out of puddles all day." The bartender says, ''That  sounds nice.''  With this the bartender moved to the third duck and thinks to himself about the first ducks' responses, then says to the third duck, "Don't tell me, your name's Louie and you've been slipping in and out of puddles all day  too." To which the duck replies, "No. My name's Puddles, and I've had a hell of a day."

The dirtiest joke: A duck was going to a bar when he slipped into a mud puddle.

Three golfersers are killed in a car crash and, having mostly behaved themselves in life, they go straight to heaven.  When they arrive, St. Peter greets them at the gate and says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't hit the ducks."  So they enter heaven, and, to their great joy, discover that it is one enormous golf course -- but there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible to play without hitting one. Sure enough, though they do their best to avoid it, one of the men eventually hits a duck. Poof! St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, appears with the ugliest woman the men have ever seen. St. Peter handcuffs this woman to the unfortunate golfer and says, "Your punishment is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman."  The very next day, the second man accidentally hits a duck. Poof! St. Peter arrives, and with him is another unbelievably ugly woman. He handcuffs the two together and sentences the man to remain chained to her for all eternity.  The third man is determined not to end up like his buddies, so he is extremely careful. He manages to golf for months without mishap. And one day, Poof! St. Peter appears with an absolutely gorgeous woman. He chains the two together without a word and vanishes. The man stares at this goddess, this vision of perfection with whom he will now spend eternity, and says, "Whatever did I do to deserve you?" The woman says, "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck."